Even You Can Do It!

So. The motivation has returned.  For the most part. I have given myself almost a 3 hour window every night to exercise and clean and take care of things that need to be taken care of. 

So the last few nights, I've been upstairs by 1130, turned on the walking video, and I been pushing myself through all 3 miles of exercise.  that's just under 45 minutes.  hot, sweaty 45 minutes of moving and walking through my weight.  And i'm actually keeping up with the lady now, and I'm succeeding in doing all of the moves without wimping out and going just back to walking.  I'm having some troubles with the arm motions and continuing them all the way through, BUT I will get there.  I will get my arms stronger. and I will get myself stronger.

I have, however, possibly encountered a small problem.  While exercising, the standard thing to do it to tighten your stomach muscles, the 'core', and hold it like that throughout.  now this is difficult to do in the beginning, but i've kinda gotten used to it.  and I now find myself doing it more and more throughout the day and my daily routines.  The problem?  I'm starting to get slight acid reflux from doing so.  Now I've had stomach problems with acid my entire adult life.  I take acid reflux medicine every day and have for years.  But, I noticed that while gardening the other day and leaning down to pull weeds, I was getting the same acid in my stomach and chest that i got a little bit of tonight.

I wonder if this is standard....

Also, it is impossible to exercise with Manu, the cat, anywhere near me.  He wants to cuddle. He wants to cuddle now.  And if the only way for us to cuddle is for him to lay on the floor behind where my head would go while doing crunches, well then dammit that is where he will be.  And forget trying to do this pilates move of lifting your hips and butt off the ground while laying in the core position.  The cat will be ON your stomach, trying to get loves.  Or headbutting you until your glasses come off.  Or any other number of things. It's just... It's a comedy of errors, and if I was not so embarrassed about how my body looks, I would have somebody video tape it, because I don't think anybody would believe me without seeing it.  But I'm not getting in front of a video camera like that until i'm down at least another two pants sizes. At least.

Now! Moving on to other self improvement I have been working on.  My dental hygiene is not the best.  It never has been. My parents tried when I was younger, but I knew that there was flouride in our drinking water and I'd never had a cavity, so what was the point in brushing my teeth? That's persisted into my adult life as well.  Add on the nine years of smoking and coffee, and you can well imagine what my teeth look like.  Well.  I was getting tired of not being able to smile. And my Kiwi has just the best teeth ever.  Well ok, some celebrities might have him beat, but those people are not real and probably gargle bleach.  So, I have begun a regimen with whitening toothpaste and mouthwash.  And it's only been a few days of using them twice a day (morning and night) and my teeth are already looking whiter and feeling cleaner. 

But the problem?  Nothing tastes the same!!  I mean, I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios the other morning (before brushing my teeth for the morning) and my mouth still had the toothpaste taste from the night before and the cheerios tasted terrible!  Sadness!  But that is a small price to pay for looking pretty and having teeth in my mouth for a few more years at least.

97 days until Seattle.  I bought my plane tickets tonight..... So much relief.

Curiouser and Curiouser

So no.  My exercise is not back on track.  No, my motivation has flown right straight out the window almost completely.  I keep trying to fight it back in, but the lazy king gets hold of me, and the fuckit queen smacks me around, and soon, I just stop fighting against it and give in.

I look at the chart on my wall and I see that it's possible, I see that i can lose the weight.  But then I see that 5 pound gain and it's just depressing again.  And I know why it jumped, and I know that I need to get myself back under control again.  I know, deep down, that I can do this.  but, how do I get myself motivated again?

But that's not actually the point of this post.  The point and impetus behind this post is to examine inadequacies. My inadequacies, perceived or actual, and what I should do about them. 

What brings this on?  Well, the inability to psych myself up into the exercise again could easily be one thing.  The other is, not finishing college.  What's brought this up?

My kiwi got a permanent job offering from his company.  Halfway through his internship thing with them, and they've already decided that they like him well enough to offer him a full time position.  That's fantastic.  It's so over the moon awesome.  I was talking with some mutual friends about it, and one of them, who's opinion I greatly respect and value, basically said that the offer was a no-brainer.  My Kiwi is a brilliant man.  And that I should snatch him up as much and as soon as possible.

Snatch him up. 

I love him. And he loves me.  But just how snatched should I go?  Do I get him a ring and ask him to marry me in September? For Real? Like, For real real?  And even if I do, and he says yes, and we throw together a hasty ceremony over the weekend in Seattle, then what?  I move to New Zealand obviously.  But... am I worth all that? Am I really worthy of this, of him? What do I have to offer him other than love, affection, and good cooking?

I'm a college dropout, one class away from a degree that is considered by some, if not most, to be utterly useless.  Unless I want to teach, which I don't, cause I can't stand the thought of teaching. Snot-nosed little brats.  And by that I mean high schoolers. 

My whole work history is customer service of some type (retail or telecommunications) and theatre.  I would bring absolutely nothing to the table but maybe enough money to cover our internet bill.  And some groceries. 

Doesn't he deserve something more than that?  I mean, sure, I'm going to finish up my degree this summer, and I'll have a degree.  Outstanding.  It won't get me paid any more money.  It won't magically open a door to some career somewhere that will be the perfect combination of what I've always wanted to do with my life.

So how do I prove to him, and mostly to myself, that I'm worthy of him?

I'm curious as to how one goes about that.  How do you prove worthiness?

How do I prove my worth? 

Drama

So.  You might have noticed that I haven't posted much lately. 

Well things got a little crazy here at home.  To make a long story short, my mom went into the hospital two weeks ago thinking she had appendicitis.  Actually, it was colon cancer.  Now, this was around the same time that I was on my period (don't like the graphic? tough.) and wasn't feeling very up to exercising at all.  Add onto that the stress with mom being sick, and yeah, I stopped exercising.

I gained back 5 pounds and shot all the way up to 263.  Back where I was when I started all this. 

Sigh.

And I just haven't felt it lately.  I've been feeling slow, sluggish, and ohso depressed. 

mom's fine, she's back home, and she'll be home for another few weeks still.  and Iknow that I really just need to get my rear end back into gear and focused on this weight loss again.  But my main focus now is making sure my mother's alright.  And then, taking my last class for my degree this summer. I will fit in exercise there somewhere.

So there, that's the update that I'm sure people have been wanting.  No, my heart really isn't into this right now.  It's not into much of anything right now at all.  But that's what being depressed is all about. 

I'm depressed about mom, so I stop exercising.  I stop exercising and I gain the weight. I gain the weight and I get depressed again. etc etc etc.

I need a good motivational kick in the pants. 

And more sleep.