yeah, I know, I'm a geek. get over it.
I was thinking tonight, my life right now, and for most of this summer is going to be much like rolling a die. One six sided die to be exact, or as my friends say 1d6. So what is it that is going to be on this six-sided die?
1: Home-life
With mom having just gotten home from the hospital, my devotion to the household is going to need to increase. Especially since I am not sure just how much she will need me to take care of her, or for how long she'll be out of 'commission' so to speak. So i'm going to need to be home more and do more around the house for a while.
1: Work-life
I'm hoping to get a new position soon. And hoping to get more hours. So that's at least 8 or 9 hours out of a day devoted to that pursuit of money.
3: Friends
Yes,I do somehow miraculously have them. They're all online, this is true, and most people won't consider them to be 'real friends' but those people can kiss my fat fat butt. They're my friends and I don't particularly want to do without them.
4: Love-life
Ee. My Kiwi. Somewhere in all of this chaos that is going to be my life, I need to find time for you, and for us. Time for us to spend together, to talk, and to just grow closer, even though there's an ocean between us.
5: Exercise
Somewhere in all of this, I am also hoping to make time for the gym and exercise, because while I have completely reversed this last week and gained back all of the weight that I had lost (stress and mother nature and depression will do that), I am still determined to lose weight and get trim.
6: School
yes, I am going back to school. It's only going to be one class, an online course, this summer taken through the UD and then transferred to Rutgers in order to finally get my degree. I am determined to tackle this course and come out the other side with at least a B. I will not settle for anything less than that.
But this is going to take up quite a bit of my time, and my energy. So if I seem distracted this summer, all of these are reasons why. There is so much going on in my world right now, that I'm going to have to perfect my compartmentalising techniques so that I don't go completely insane.
So that's what's going through my head tonight, and the last few days. Maybe i'll be back soon with an update, maybe not. I'll try.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Rats In a Cage
So, I've come to the conclusion that what I've been doing so far as exercise is just not working enough. So, I want to go and join a gym. But I was unsure of which one. Now, I was over at the SuperFresh in town (where I found the chocolate oikos yoghurt but that's another story) and right next door is a Curves. So I go into the Curves and sit down while I wait for the person working to finish up with a client.
Now, first impression, there's decent music going in the background and the machines, while they look slightly like medieval torture devices moved into the 21st century by being made out of white metal, do not look all that intimidating. There are three women working out today, and I watch them as they move about the stations. Now, here's the thing, there are like 8 machines, maybe 9, with a walking platform in between each one. Seemed not too bad, until this voice came over the radio that said "Change Station Now". And these women got off the machines that they were exercising on, moved to the walking platform and then walked (or bounced, or flopped around like a penguin) until the voice spoke agan, ordering them to move.
Now, I dunno about anybody else, but this seems.... automatic. Pavlovian almost. You get about two minutes on each piece of machinery and you go around the circle twice in half an hour. It's just...bizarre.
So sitting there watching this, I finally get a little not-so-hippy girl sititng across from me to go over the details. And I'm sorry, but I just did not feel...comfortable... with this girl. I'm sure she's great, and I'm sure she knows how to keep me from hurting myself on the machines, but something about her just did not inspire confidence.
I want more from a work out than obeying the voice from the radio and barely getting any time on a machine that I think I need. It seems, like a trained monkey and almost that it wouldn't do me any good.
I don't want this fast weightloss or anything like that. I want to do this right. I want to lose the weight and I want to trim and sleek my body and make it firm and just looking good and healthy. Curves does not quite seem geared to that.
Today, however, we stopped by the Extreme Fitness in town and I felt immediately better when I walked in. There are machines for cardio right up front, several different ones (ellipticals, treadmills, bicycles) and then as you move back there are 2 different weight and resistance training machines, ones for beginners and the other for more advanced for strength training. I talked with the woman who runs the place and in the ten minutes that I spent with her, I felt like she knows what she's doing and that I would be safe in that gym.
Extreme Fitness also has showers on location. Only two per dressing room, but there are still showers. I could go to the gym, exercise, and shower before work if I wanted to. This is a huge positive. And it's not too expensive, only $40/month. And that includes the classes (except for spinning which is extra) like kickboxing and yoga and coming soon, Zumba!
This is not a given thing yet, but if I were to choose, I would go to Extreme. it seems more like what I'm looking for in a gym, and it would give me the strength training that I'm hoping for.
We'll see what happens...
Now, first impression, there's decent music going in the background and the machines, while they look slightly like medieval torture devices moved into the 21st century by being made out of white metal, do not look all that intimidating. There are three women working out today, and I watch them as they move about the stations. Now, here's the thing, there are like 8 machines, maybe 9, with a walking platform in between each one. Seemed not too bad, until this voice came over the radio that said "Change Station Now". And these women got off the machines that they were exercising on, moved to the walking platform and then walked (or bounced, or flopped around like a penguin) until the voice spoke agan, ordering them to move.
Now, I dunno about anybody else, but this seems.... automatic. Pavlovian almost. You get about two minutes on each piece of machinery and you go around the circle twice in half an hour. It's just...bizarre.
So sitting there watching this, I finally get a little not-so-hippy girl sititng across from me to go over the details. And I'm sorry, but I just did not feel...comfortable... with this girl. I'm sure she's great, and I'm sure she knows how to keep me from hurting myself on the machines, but something about her just did not inspire confidence.
I want more from a work out than obeying the voice from the radio and barely getting any time on a machine that I think I need. It seems, like a trained monkey and almost that it wouldn't do me any good.
I don't want this fast weightloss or anything like that. I want to do this right. I want to lose the weight and I want to trim and sleek my body and make it firm and just looking good and healthy. Curves does not quite seem geared to that.
Today, however, we stopped by the Extreme Fitness in town and I felt immediately better when I walked in. There are machines for cardio right up front, several different ones (ellipticals, treadmills, bicycles) and then as you move back there are 2 different weight and resistance training machines, ones for beginners and the other for more advanced for strength training. I talked with the woman who runs the place and in the ten minutes that I spent with her, I felt like she knows what she's doing and that I would be safe in that gym.
Extreme Fitness also has showers on location. Only two per dressing room, but there are still showers. I could go to the gym, exercise, and shower before work if I wanted to. This is a huge positive. And it's not too expensive, only $40/month. And that includes the classes (except for spinning which is extra) like kickboxing and yoga and coming soon, Zumba!
This is not a given thing yet, but if I were to choose, I would go to Extreme. it seems more like what I'm looking for in a gym, and it would give me the strength training that I'm hoping for.
We'll see what happens...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Fat Ceiling
Wow. Been over two weeks since I put anything here. I should more than likely apologize for that. But then, I know of only like.. two people who sometimes read this thing, and only one person that I'm positive of, but I should still feel bad. so here we go, Sorry Sami.
Now, you're probably wondering about the title for this entry, well let me give you a little background here. If you know anything at all about me as I currently am, you'll know that I'm a bit of an American Politics junkie. National stuff mostly, seeing as I don't really have a substantial foothold anywhere to get into local politics. But that's a digression. Being a AmPol junkie (or APJ if you will), I followed the national elections in 2008 very closely. For anybody else who did, you probably heard alot about this whole 'glass ceiling' concept. Mostly from Hilary Clinton supporters.
The Glass Ceiling is a concept developed basically to explain why there hasn't been a female president, or a multitude of female CEOs, etc. It's The Man's (literally) way of keeping a woman down. She can see the top of the ladder, but there's this invisible barrier blocking her way through. Hence, the Glass Ceiling metaphor. Now, I'm not somebody that gives this much credence, and I'm certainly not a Feminist by any means or stretch of the imagination, but it's a decent metaphor for what's been happening, so hear me out.
I had hit a fat ceiling. That was the unmagical weight of 260. I could not, in the last month and a half, get below that weight. I couldn't! I would bounce back and forth, never going over my start of 263, but I could never get below that 260.
Until, last friday. Now, I worked myself to almost death (it felt like) last week. I walked every day, I did anywhere from 65-100 crunches every night, I stretched, I burned, and I hit 259 last weigh in on friday. HELL YEAH! Hear that sound? That's the Fat Ceiling shattering! Probably due to my still massive weight, but still...Shattering!
Now, to just get down to that next level and smash that one too. And then the next. And then the next. I'm trying to decide if I want to celebrate for every 5 lbs lost, or every 10. I'm thinking little celebrations for 5, big letters and possibly balloons for 10.
I'm noticing a weird trend though. I get a little on the cranky side when I haven't had a chance to exercise or go on a walk or anything. I walked for 2 miles this afternoon around the neighborhood, and yet tonight, after eating the ohmygod heavy and rich dinner and then the small bit of carrot cake that I had, I felt so heavy and bloated and I was getting cranky. It was midnight and I wanted to go out and walk around the block just to try and get some calories burned.
But! I put in the new Walk at Home DVD that I got (which has bits of pilates thrown into the walk) and I figured I would do just the 1 mile. I did that no problem, and it went right into mile 2. I was a bit sweaty but I thought that I could keep going, and so I did, right into mile 3. I finished up the 3rd mile and then the stretch and holy god did I feel good. Sweaty as hell, but good. I felt lighter than I did after dinner, and I felt strangely relaxed. I stretched a bit, did my 100 crunches, and then went downstairs to grab my water bottle. Took the dog out and let the cool air help settle me down a bit. then i came inside and showered.
It's amazing just how doing a little bit of exercise can actually make me feel so much better now. Of course, I have to work on my breathing techniques. And I don't think the pilates mat workout will work for me just yet, still too much fat and boob in the way, but I WILL GET THERE!
Side note, I bought a new dress. It's a size 20. I'm hoping and planning on being able to fit into it come september. If not sooner. I will hang said dress up on my wall, or maybe on the back of my door, so that i can look at it and be inspired.
Double Side note, my pants are falling off, but i can't wear a belt. This is frustrating in many many ways.
I think that's it for now, I promise I'll update more often, now that I think I'll have more progress to show.
Now, you're probably wondering about the title for this entry, well let me give you a little background here. If you know anything at all about me as I currently am, you'll know that I'm a bit of an American Politics junkie. National stuff mostly, seeing as I don't really have a substantial foothold anywhere to get into local politics. But that's a digression. Being a AmPol junkie (or APJ if you will), I followed the national elections in 2008 very closely. For anybody else who did, you probably heard alot about this whole 'glass ceiling' concept. Mostly from Hilary Clinton supporters.
The Glass Ceiling is a concept developed basically to explain why there hasn't been a female president, or a multitude of female CEOs, etc. It's The Man's (literally) way of keeping a woman down. She can see the top of the ladder, but there's this invisible barrier blocking her way through. Hence, the Glass Ceiling metaphor. Now, I'm not somebody that gives this much credence, and I'm certainly not a Feminist by any means or stretch of the imagination, but it's a decent metaphor for what's been happening, so hear me out.
I had hit a fat ceiling. That was the unmagical weight of 260. I could not, in the last month and a half, get below that weight. I couldn't! I would bounce back and forth, never going over my start of 263, but I could never get below that 260.
Until, last friday. Now, I worked myself to almost death (it felt like) last week. I walked every day, I did anywhere from 65-100 crunches every night, I stretched, I burned, and I hit 259 last weigh in on friday. HELL YEAH! Hear that sound? That's the Fat Ceiling shattering! Probably due to my still massive weight, but still...Shattering!
Now, to just get down to that next level and smash that one too. And then the next. And then the next. I'm trying to decide if I want to celebrate for every 5 lbs lost, or every 10. I'm thinking little celebrations for 5, big letters and possibly balloons for 10.
I'm noticing a weird trend though. I get a little on the cranky side when I haven't had a chance to exercise or go on a walk or anything. I walked for 2 miles this afternoon around the neighborhood, and yet tonight, after eating the ohmygod heavy and rich dinner and then the small bit of carrot cake that I had, I felt so heavy and bloated and I was getting cranky. It was midnight and I wanted to go out and walk around the block just to try and get some calories burned.
But! I put in the new Walk at Home DVD that I got (which has bits of pilates thrown into the walk) and I figured I would do just the 1 mile. I did that no problem, and it went right into mile 2. I was a bit sweaty but I thought that I could keep going, and so I did, right into mile 3. I finished up the 3rd mile and then the stretch and holy god did I feel good. Sweaty as hell, but good. I felt lighter than I did after dinner, and I felt strangely relaxed. I stretched a bit, did my 100 crunches, and then went downstairs to grab my water bottle. Took the dog out and let the cool air help settle me down a bit. then i came inside and showered.
It's amazing just how doing a little bit of exercise can actually make me feel so much better now. Of course, I have to work on my breathing techniques. And I don't think the pilates mat workout will work for me just yet, still too much fat and boob in the way, but I WILL GET THERE!
Side note, I bought a new dress. It's a size 20. I'm hoping and planning on being able to fit into it come september. If not sooner. I will hang said dress up on my wall, or maybe on the back of my door, so that i can look at it and be inspired.
Double Side note, my pants are falling off, but i can't wear a belt. This is frustrating in many many ways.
I think that's it for now, I promise I'll update more often, now that I think I'll have more progress to show.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Runny Babbits
So. Mom woke me up today to go outside and do some gardening. Ordinarily, or formerly, I would have found that rather dull and boring. But! With this whole new attitude that I'm trying to give myself, I was excited about it.
So we took this little corner in the backyard that my mom already had some Irises and a butterfly bush planted in, and we tilled up the soil, pulled all the weeds and got to work. we planted some pink and white oriental lillies, and some pink calla lillies, as well as a pink hyacinth and a white hyacinth (I love those flowers), and we even put down some forget-me-not seeds. Which will hopefully grown, but I doubt it cause they're apparently fall planting flowers, not spring. Oops.
Also, we put in the 9 heads of Romaine lettuce that my mom bought for me, and I planted my window box with my herbs! Parsley, sage, Rosemary, Basil, and Cilantro. Yum yum! Now I just hope that they grow.
I realised today though, that being out in the dirt was FUN. Well, not for my knees, really. But it was enjoyable and fun and something that I've always wanted to do, but never could. But I'm going to try. Cause if I can grow things, and then I get over to kiwiland, maybe I can make our budget even a little bit friendlier and easier by growing things! edible things!
Also! I got onto my bicycle today! The real one! with Wheels! Now, this might seem like not such a big deal to people. But, you have to realise, I've had this for a few months now, and I've been scared of it. Now, I know that you're going to laugh at that, but it's the truth! I've been terrified of my bicycle. I tried to ride it a month or so ago, but I got myself so afraid of falling off of it, that I couldn't even get myself past getting one foot onto the pedals.
That's my biggest problem. I scare myself so much out of things that I never do them. Like roller skating, or ice skating, or even going out to a bar on my own for a drink. I psyche myself out so badly that I can't do anything. I go to work, I come home. That's it. I'm afraid of new people, and making and keeping relationships too much. I'm afraid of broken hearts, and recently i've been afraid of a bicycle.
but no more! For today i got onto the bicycle, I got both feet onto the pedals and I conquered it! Huzzah! Of cours I didn't ride very far without a helmet on. I'm not sure I like the mountain bike thing. All the gears and the things, but it was twenty something dollars. The last bike that I rode, you had to pedal backwards for the brakes. it was the best thing ever. This bike, there are breaks on the handlebars. But I didn't use them. I jsut let the bike slow down naturally.
So yes! I rode a bicycle! And it was fun! and I shall continue to do so! Right after I get a bigger seat for that bike. because let me tell you, that seat, was just enough for a stick-person to ride. And I'm not talking supermodel or skinny athlete. No. a stick figure. that is the only type of person I can imagine being comfortable. I mean, right up in there all the way. oucchhh.
So, I will now add bicycling to my routine (once I get a bigger seat). Who knows? maybe I'll get to the point where I can bike to work and not need the car. Wouldn't that be nice! at least down here in delaware, I don't need to worry about hills like I would have in maine.
Right, it's 5am. and I need to pass out. I think. yes. sleepy time.
G'night all!
So we took this little corner in the backyard that my mom already had some Irises and a butterfly bush planted in, and we tilled up the soil, pulled all the weeds and got to work. we planted some pink and white oriental lillies, and some pink calla lillies, as well as a pink hyacinth and a white hyacinth (I love those flowers), and we even put down some forget-me-not seeds. Which will hopefully grown, but I doubt it cause they're apparently fall planting flowers, not spring. Oops.
Also, we put in the 9 heads of Romaine lettuce that my mom bought for me, and I planted my window box with my herbs! Parsley, sage, Rosemary, Basil, and Cilantro. Yum yum! Now I just hope that they grow.
I realised today though, that being out in the dirt was FUN. Well, not for my knees, really. But it was enjoyable and fun and something that I've always wanted to do, but never could. But I'm going to try. Cause if I can grow things, and then I get over to kiwiland, maybe I can make our budget even a little bit friendlier and easier by growing things! edible things!
Also! I got onto my bicycle today! The real one! with Wheels! Now, this might seem like not such a big deal to people. But, you have to realise, I've had this for a few months now, and I've been scared of it. Now, I know that you're going to laugh at that, but it's the truth! I've been terrified of my bicycle. I tried to ride it a month or so ago, but I got myself so afraid of falling off of it, that I couldn't even get myself past getting one foot onto the pedals.
That's my biggest problem. I scare myself so much out of things that I never do them. Like roller skating, or ice skating, or even going out to a bar on my own for a drink. I psyche myself out so badly that I can't do anything. I go to work, I come home. That's it. I'm afraid of new people, and making and keeping relationships too much. I'm afraid of broken hearts, and recently i've been afraid of a bicycle.
but no more! For today i got onto the bicycle, I got both feet onto the pedals and I conquered it! Huzzah! Of cours I didn't ride very far without a helmet on. I'm not sure I like the mountain bike thing. All the gears and the things, but it was twenty something dollars. The last bike that I rode, you had to pedal backwards for the brakes. it was the best thing ever. This bike, there are breaks on the handlebars. But I didn't use them. I jsut let the bike slow down naturally.
So yes! I rode a bicycle! And it was fun! and I shall continue to do so! Right after I get a bigger seat for that bike. because let me tell you, that seat, was just enough for a stick-person to ride. And I'm not talking supermodel or skinny athlete. No. a stick figure. that is the only type of person I can imagine being comfortable. I mean, right up in there all the way. oucchhh.
So, I will now add bicycling to my routine (once I get a bigger seat). Who knows? maybe I'll get to the point where I can bike to work and not need the car. Wouldn't that be nice! at least down here in delaware, I don't need to worry about hills like I would have in maine.
Right, it's 5am. and I need to pass out. I think. yes. sleepy time.
G'night all!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
There. That about sums up my attitude on life. At least this very second.
I can't lose the weight. I just can't. I swear to the heavens that if I drop below 260, I am going to party.
I've been walking the last few days. About a mile a day. half mile in the morning, half mile in the evening. I do 20 minutes on the bike every night, and I've been doing crunches every other night, just about 50-60 of them. I do work with the weights with both arms, I've even been adding more exercises.
Some nights, I also do the Leslie Sansome walking too. I did a mile and half the other night with her. I even bought a second DVD of hers to use downstairs.
I'm eating better, i'm eating smaller portions and I'm ingesting more protein and vegetables than before, and STILL I can't get below 260.
The last three weeks, I've been sitting at 262. Granted, I've been doing this heavy regimen on myself for only the last week. But, I will see what happens by next friday. If I still havent' lost significant weight, I think I'm about to just give up.
no. I can't give up. The next step is to go to a gym, where I can find professionals to help me. There's Exreme Fitness in town, as well as Curves. Curves I have to pay membership fees, whereas Extreme is monthly. But, Curves is more likely to have other fat people, whereas everytime i go by Extreme, I see people in there that don't look like they need it.
So, realizing that I might be gaining muscle and losing inches, but still not losing weight, I decided to get my measurements done. So here we go, god these are scary
Bust: 48" (121.9 cm)
Waist: 43" (109.2 cm)
Hips: 58" (147.3 cm)
I will do measurements again next week on friday as well as weighing. If the measurements have gone down, but the weight has stayed steady, then I might be mollified.
Also, I don't know if I'm doing these crunches right. I mean, They hurt a bit when I do them, under the ribs, but i don't hurt too bad right now, not like I did the first night that I did them. or the second night. What if I'm doing all of this and I'm actually doing them wrong? What if that's why I can't lose the weight?
ugh, doubts and drama in my life. I think it might be bed time.
I will look into new running shoes soon. Or walking shoes.
Also, yoga. I would love some opinions on Yoga, or other calming stretchy things, like tai Chi or something.
or comments on this thing at all. so I know I'm not just writing for myself and Sami to read.
I can't lose the weight. I just can't. I swear to the heavens that if I drop below 260, I am going to party.
I've been walking the last few days. About a mile a day. half mile in the morning, half mile in the evening. I do 20 minutes on the bike every night, and I've been doing crunches every other night, just about 50-60 of them. I do work with the weights with both arms, I've even been adding more exercises.
Some nights, I also do the Leslie Sansome walking too. I did a mile and half the other night with her. I even bought a second DVD of hers to use downstairs.
I'm eating better, i'm eating smaller portions and I'm ingesting more protein and vegetables than before, and STILL I can't get below 260.
The last three weeks, I've been sitting at 262. Granted, I've been doing this heavy regimen on myself for only the last week. But, I will see what happens by next friday. If I still havent' lost significant weight, I think I'm about to just give up.
no. I can't give up. The next step is to go to a gym, where I can find professionals to help me. There's Exreme Fitness in town, as well as Curves. Curves I have to pay membership fees, whereas Extreme is monthly. But, Curves is more likely to have other fat people, whereas everytime i go by Extreme, I see people in there that don't look like they need it.
So, realizing that I might be gaining muscle and losing inches, but still not losing weight, I decided to get my measurements done. So here we go, god these are scary
Bust: 48" (121.9 cm)
Waist: 43" (109.2 cm)
Hips: 58" (147.3 cm)
I will do measurements again next week on friday as well as weighing. If the measurements have gone down, but the weight has stayed steady, then I might be mollified.
Also, I don't know if I'm doing these crunches right. I mean, They hurt a bit when I do them, under the ribs, but i don't hurt too bad right now, not like I did the first night that I did them. or the second night. What if I'm doing all of this and I'm actually doing them wrong? What if that's why I can't lose the weight?
ugh, doubts and drama in my life. I think it might be bed time.
I will look into new running shoes soon. Or walking shoes.
Also, yoga. I would love some opinions on Yoga, or other calming stretchy things, like tai Chi or something.
or comments on this thing at all. so I know I'm not just writing for myself and Sami to read.
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